This swimsuit season, try on a Hairy Navel, Bikini Tini or just Strip and Go Naked
Swimsuit season is a divisive time of year.
There are those who embrace it, who release their inner exhibitionist and parade with pride. These men and women choose beach clothing which, as one West Texas rancher once said, is a lot like barbed wire. It protects the property but doesn’t obstruct the view.
Then there are those who see it as a miraculous time of year. December’s cheesecake has miraculously turned into May’s pound cake. Men discover they have been living on army food — everything got sent to the front.
Deciding what to wear to the beach ranges from either what will get the most attention to what will be the least humiliating.
Fortunately, there’s another way for those who won’t be photographed in Sports Illustrated or Men’s Health any time soon. One can avoid
wearing a swimsuit while finding great enjoyment drinking one.
First get in shape.
Men, suck in that stomach, go to the bar and demand an Adonis. This is actually a drink named after a Broadway musical in 1884, but the name alone is a confidence builder. It’s made with dry sherry, vermouth, orange juice and a dash of bitters. There’s another drink called the Hairy Navel, but let’s not go there.
Women looking for a little pre-beach adjustment might consider the Wonder Bra. Yes, it’s a drink. It’s made with gin, Cointreau and pineapple juice served in a martini cup … uh, glass.
Forget the fancy department store, sexy catalog or designer shop. The average bartender can quite handily present you with a Bikini cocktail, Bikini Martini, Blue Polka Dot Bikini cocktail or an understated Pink Bikini.
Over in Baybrook Mall, for example, Yard House can get anyone dressed up in their Bikini Tini. This martini-like drink combines Cruzan Banana Rum, Cruzan Pineapple Rum, pineapple juice and DeKuyper Pomegranate Schnapps. It wears well.
Men of any size can do quite well with a Tangerine Speedo, a drink that originated in Frankie’s Tiki Room in Las Vegas. It’s a full glass of rum, Campari, crème de cassis, Chambord, lime and pineapple juices and club soda.
Unisex thongs can really be attractive — still on the subject of cocktails here, of course.
Take Champagne, Cointreau, Grey Goose Vodka, lime and pineapple juice poured and stirred in a tall glass, and voilà — the French Thong. Look better in blue? Vodka, rum, Cointreau, blue Curacao along with sweet and sour mix and pineapple juice can have anyone dressed out in a Blue Thong Martini.
Torn between thong and bikini? The Malibu Thong Bikini combines both with vodka, Malibu Coconut Rum and a splash of pineapple juice shaken in a cocktail shaker, then strained into skimpy shot glasses. Each shot glass is then topped with a dollop of whipped cream and a cherry.
Summer lovers might like thongs that complement each other. For her, there’s Lady Liberty in a Thong, a simple shaken cocktail made with dark rum, coffee brandy and lemon juice. For him, this calls for French Pirate in a Thong (try to focus on the cocktail, not on other mental visions). This refreshing drink is made with Chambord, Jägermeister and coconut rum.
Then again, some people may just decide dressing a cocktail goes against nature, and decide for au natural.
Toss off those inhibitions and ask for a Look Better Naked Margarita. For nature lovers, this is kind of a healthy cocktail created by Adam Seger of the Nacional 27 Restaurant in Chicago. It’s made with Partida Estate Reposado Tequila, Amazon Pure Organic Acai, organic agave nectar, an organic egg white, fresh rosemary and lime juice.
Similarly, one can demand the Strip and Go Naked route, although this recipe might make unbuttoning anything quite a logistical challenge. It’s made with 12 ounces of lemonade concentrate, 12 ounces of vodka and 42 ounces of Corona beer all in a large pitcher. It could rightfully be called Trip and Go Nighty.
If one can’t get enough nudity or wants to start a whole colony, there are also cocktails named Butt Naked, Naked Lady, Completely Naked and Naked and Famous. One should be particularly tactful in phrasing a request for one of these drinks, as walking into a bar and simply asking for a Naked Lady could cause a commotion.
Finally, one can call an end to this divisive season with Champagne, orange vodka, blue Curacao and a blue maraschino cherry. It’s a cocktail called Winter.
Recipe is the interpretation of Bikini Tini served at Yard House in Baybrook Mall
2 ounces of Cruzan Banana Rum
1 ounce Cruzan Pineapple Rum
Splash of pineapple juice
Float of DeKuyper Pomegranate
Add both rums into a shaker with ice and pineapple juice, shake, strain into chilled martini glass and carefully pour float of DeKuyper Pomegranate down the side of the martini glass so it sits at the bottom, creating a layered effect.